Elisha: So I was going to Bethel, right, and these small children--there must've been a few dozen of them--they start yelling, "Go up, thou bald head!" So I was like, "We'll see about that, you little douchebags!" and cursed them in the name of the Lord. All of a sudden these two bears come out of the woods and rip like 42 of them apart. It was hilarious. The moral of this story is: don't fuck with me, kids. I can put the Big Yahweh hurt on your ass if I have to.
Zack: But why does God want to flood the earth?
Noah: Because it is full of evil men and they must be purged so the earth will be pure again.
Julie: So like, does that mean we're all descended from your family alone? Ewwww
Zack: But why did God decide never to flood the earth again?
Noah: Because he decided that men are naturally evil from a young age so there is no point in punishing them for it.
Zack: So God learned a lesson?
Julie: Kewl, and all this time I thought he knew everything already.
GADZOOKIO: LOGICAL ERROR. DOES NOT COMPUTE. DOES NOT COMPUTE
Zack: Oh, hush, Gadzookio. We don't have time for your jokes.
Julie: Ew, gross! Get your hands off me, you old pervert!
Lot: Sorry, little girl. My eyesight isn't so good these days and I thought you were one of my daughters.
Solomon: You know, to be honest I really only wished to be the second smartest man in the world.
Zack: Gee, why did you do that?
Solomon: Well, I was pretty stupid before God answered my prayer. Obviously I wasn't smart enough at the time to pray wisely.
Zack: So what happened to the smartest man in the world?
Solomon: I killed him and devoured his life essence.
Zack: Um, does that mean what I think it does?
Solomon: Possibly, yes.
Gadzookio: HOW IS IT GOING, J-DOG?
Jesus: Aight, aight. Sup, nigabyte?
David: You two have been brought here under charges of lesbianism. And since you are not attractive lesbians I'm afraid the punishment is death.
John the Baptist: You cheated, you little skank bitch! I saw you pull that king out of the bottom of the deck!
Julie: Whoa, don't lose your head!
Zack: Haha, that was great, Julie!
John the Baptist: What? I don't get it.
Zack: But you will soon enough! Get it, I mean.
John the Baptist: What do you mean?
Julie: Let's just say you're really a cut above the rest!
John the Baptist: Wait, are you trying to insinuate that I will be decapitated soon and you have some foreknowledge of when and where? Then why don't you tell me and avert such a horrendous crime from happening instead of making such cruel jokes about it? And how come I understood idiomatic expressions from a different language? Assuming we are all speaking my language and not English, why are the equivalents of these phrases close enough for your jokes about beheading to still make sense?
Zack: Good question. That's a real head-scratcher. I'll have to wrap my mind around that one for awhile
John the Baptist: Am I going to die or not? How can you heartless monsters sit there and make jokes at a time like this? Tell me what the fuck is going to happen!
Gadzookio: WHY DON'T WE ALL HAVE A BREAKDANCING COMPETITION INSTEAD? BE-BOOP-BOOP-BEYOWWWW
(Gadzookio begins doing the worm)
Aaron: Are we there yet?
Moses: No, we aren't. Stop asking me that. We shall travel for many years through the desert until we reach a green, hospitable valley that God has chosen for us to dwell in and make our own. It shall be called Hollywood.
Aaron: Why Hollywood?
Moses: Do not question the Lord's plans, Aaron! Or do you wish your daughter Tori to meet the same fate as your wife?
Zack: Hey, Joseph! Why did God cause all those genital warts to appear on the baby Jesus' face?
Mary: Uh, heh. Run along now, kid
Gadzookio: ABRAHAM, YOU MAY BE RENOWNED IN THE DESERT LANDS OF ANCIENT ISRAEL FOR YOUR MAD DOMESTIC ABUSE SKILLS, BUT I AM THE ALL-TIME MASTA OF LAYING DOWN THE HOT BEATS AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT